The Ballad of Hamish Beamish

This article contains information of dubious canonicity. While not officially established as fully non-canonical, certain aspects of the subject may not be part of the official Halo canon.

"Honestly in the anthology, I was just excited to contrast stories about the giddy heights of artificial intelligence, with the slimy nadir of natural intelligence [in Saint's Testimony]. I’m also more closely aligned in real-life with Hamish than I am with Iona. And with Fractures, that’s further compounded by my now regular embarrassment of being contrasted myself, with a slew of far superior authors and creators."

— Frank O'Connor

Accompanying illustration by Garrett Post

The Ballad of Hamish Beamish is a poem included in Halo: Fractures: Extraordinary Tales from the Halo Canon. Written by Frank O'Connor, the Ballad is a tongue-in-cheek piece detailing the life of Hamish Beamish, a Corbulo Academy janitor whom O'Connor originally portrayed in a cameo appearance in Halo 4: Forward Unto Dawn. The story includes art by Garrett Post, whose artwork was previously featured in the Headhunters short story in the re-release of Halo: Evolutions.

The Ballad

“ A long time ago on a military ship A boy signed on to a perilous trip A would-be cadet With a penchant for danger He signed on for thrills In a cryosleep manger Corbulo's the name Of his life's destination A military school With a fine reputation An officer's life Was the life he had chosen As he and his chums were cryonically frozen And off into slipspace the young people headed But a problem arose that starfarers have dreaded The long sleep of storage Was to be interrupted By a technical flaw And some code that corrupted As the good ship Jamaica flew on through night The seal on his chamber grew a bit less than tight The cryopod opened a decade too soon And Hamish thawed out 'neath an alien moon Alone and afraid in the space between spaces He gazed with fear at his companions' faces He wiped frost from their visors But onward they slept Safe and preserved while poor Hamish just wept When he got it together, he resolved to survive Alone on a starship, now surely he'd thrive All he'd need is some heat and a good source of food But on waking the AI, the news wasn't good “Apologies, Beamish, but this ship is unmanned “You and the others are effectively canned “We ship you like cargo to some distant star “But this uncrewed transporter has no buffet bar “Nor heating for humans, but there's plenty of air “So if you wrap up in blankets, you might still make it there “Your sleep chamber's ruined “And the backup is rusted “So if you get to Corbulo “You'll be all old and busted “It's been called a flat circle “And a relative hitch “But the fact of the matter's “Time is gravity's bitch “So you have my condolence “And I'll help if I can “But I suggest that indolence “Is the best kind of plan.” So the darkness and cold would make anyone spooked And young Master Hamish knew that his goose was cooked He examined his options And set in for the flight He'd be cold and hungry for this long, lonely night So he needed some fuel for a possible fire And protein to eat lest his body expire He looked high and low And through every dark passage But all he could find was an Oberto sausage Two hundred years old Discarded, incredible But because it was jerky It was still kind of edible As he chewed the last meat That he might ever enjoy He thought about girls and he thought about boys Though frozen intact, nails and hair would still grow And the seeds of his madness had started to show He would shave them and clip them With tender composure And burn hair and eat nails lest he die of exposure The smell, it was dreadful And the sight even worse But better this madness Than a flight in a hearse And so ten long years passed And Corbulo drew near And Hamish's madness Replaced all his fear He got used to the routine As we are wont to do But he dreamed of poutine And he played his kazoo Oh, I didn't explain that he kept that toy whistle? Or that he wore a tattoo of a plain Scottish thistle? His buzzing lament did not keep him sane In fact, you could argue it addled his brain So when the ship at last reached the Corbulo banner He was thirty years old and as mad as a spanner The medics tried hard to habilitate Hamish His exploits aboard were disturbing but famous They found him a job doing what he does best Which is making the most of a terrible mess So they put him in whites and they gave him a broom And set him about cleaning room after room The other cadets soon forgot Hamish's story And Hamish got used to his missed chance at glory He'd never a soldier or an officer be But he never got used to the odor of pee He'd clean it in bathrooms from floor to the sink But I never revealed . . . what did poor Hamish drink? So here is the moral of this dreadful tale Check all of your gaskets before you set sail And if in your world, you're aware that it's cleanish Remember the ballad of poor Hamish Beamish ”

Appearances

Characters Hamish Beamish Species Human Organizations Unified Earth Government United Nations Space Command

Locations Circinius system Circinius IV Corbulo Academy of Military Science Vehicles UNSC Jamaica (First appearance) Technology Artificial intelligence Cryo chamber