Glibnub/Quotes

The Tower

• To all humans looking forward to being interrogated to death, I regret to report that the Tower is closed for renovations by order of Commander Chak 'Lok, who is 100% alive, but don’t worry, we’ll be happy to make other arrangements to send you to whatever stupid afterlife you believe in, or absent that, the inky abyss.

Excavation Site

• I’ve got some celebratory news, gang. Our favorite excavation site lead, the mighty Bassus, has been promoted. He’s going to work in an undisclosed location where he’ll be quite alive and in no way dead. Congratulations, Bassus.
• Hey, you know who I don’t miss? Bassus. [laughing] He sure was a big dumb animal, wasn’t he? Like the rest of you Brutes. Yeah, I said it. You think I’m scared of you? You just lost the war!

Conservatory

• Hey, Chief? You see Jega’s latest work in the Conservatory? A certain Spartan Makovich left in a big dead heap. A shame you weren’t around to do anything about it, boo hoo hoo!

Pelican Down

• Hey, anyone watch us shoot that ratty old Pelican out of the sky? I’m delighted to report that the Master Chief died in the crash like a weak little stooge. A job well done, Banished!
• Be advised, humans, that we’ve detected a functioning Pelican zooming about the Ring, and our AA guns are very excited about shooting it down.
• Two of our greatest Spartan Killers, Hyperius and Tovarus, were recently spotted kickin' the ever-loving snot out of the Master Chief. The carnage, it was so vicious that we’re, uh, not exactly sure what happened, but one thing’s for sure, the Chief is dead. So everybody should give up now.
• I was…kinda sorta lying about Bassus retiring, the truth is…he’s dead. Tremonius too. And Hyperius and Tovarus. Doesn’t that boil your blood? Are you really gonna let the Spartan get away with that? Because if you do, you might be next.

Spire

• Listen up, pukes, a spire has fallen, so what? We’ve got tons of those things all over the ring making this weapon whole again and making good progress too! That power belongs to the Banished and one spire ain’t gonna make a bit of difference, you hear me?

House of Reckoning

• Hey Spartan, look, I know you think you've won and all, but joke's on you. That wasn't Escharum, that was four Grunts in a Brute suit. So yeah, we're still king of the ring.
• Attention, Banished warriors, the humans killed the fake Escharum body double monkey clone we left out for them to find. Activate surprise trap attack now! I’m serious.
• Look, I’ll just say it. Escharum was gonna keel over any second anyway. Sure, Chief did him in, but come on, that’s like beating your grandpa to death, which, while admirable, is something anybody could do.
• We ain’t licked yet, we just need a new leader. Any takers? I’m not gonna volunteer for the job, but if I was nominated…well, I’d consider it, just saying.
• This can’t be happening! We trained so hard! I yelled so much stuff! We-We can’t lose! It-It’s not over! Let’s dig up a new War Chief and-and get back to it! [choking] We are the Banished! [sobbing]

Silent Auditorium

• Man, am I depressed. But hey, just because we lost Escharum, Hyperius, Tovarus, Tremonius, Jega, the Harbinger, a bunch of Chieftains, scores of Lieutenants, tons of our greatest warriors, most of our hardware, and almost all of our food preserves doesn't mean- Wait, what was I talking about? Man, I'm depressed.
• Okay, okay, you beat us. But did you do it on Legendary? Ha!

On the UNSC

• Good day, UNSC, it’s your old pal Glibnub, Banished Communications Officer/Propaganda Overlord, and it’s another great day of hunting you down like wild animals on Zeta Halo. Keep your comms tuned to this frequency for the latest updates on your dead comrades, your dwindling hopes, and your greatest failures.
• Attention, scattered remnants of the UNSC, look to your left, now look to your right. Anybody missing? There’s a good chance that your absent comrades have been taken to the Redoubt of Sundering. Imagine the secrets spilling out of them, not to mention all the other stuff.
• Good news, doomed humans, our primary communications array, the Horn of Abolition, just got a big upgrade. We can hear every transmission you send, every whiny report of your casualties, every pathetic cry for help. Key takeaway is you’re making it easier to find you and your voices sound real stupid.
• Ugh, we got tired of piling out your decrepit Warthogs as towering monuments of your failure, so we found a better use for them! The Forge of Teash is melting them down for scrap and the Armory of Reckoning is turning that scrap into bullets. So next time you get shot, know that you humans played a vital role in making that possible!
• Little update from Banished R&D: Not only does this ring belong to us, our sciency types are learning all kinds of neat stuff about it over at Annex Ridge. We wield the biggest, nastiest gun in the universe, and soon, we might just learn how to shoot the dang thing. Glory to the Banished.
• When I was a larva in the tidepools of Balaho, my dear mother wrapped me in her pleopods and said, "[imitating kissing] Glibnub, grow up and make me proud." Well, here I am, the disembodied source of existential torment for thousands of doomed morons! [laughing] I love you, mom! [laughing]
• You know, I heard that demons don't exist. It's just a myth my nipple coach made up to try and scare us out of sniffing the good gas.
• Say, if your Doctor Halsey was so smart, why'd she have to get a bunch of kids to do her dirty work, huh? And people call us the bad guys?
• You ever wonder what a shaved Brute looks like? Not until I mentioned it, right? Try and get that image out of your heads, humans!
• Glibnub here, nothing major to report, just taking some me time to reflect on how hopeless and screwed you are. [sighs] Ah yeah, that's nice.
• Got some bad news for you humans. That hero of yours? He's palling around with a copy of Cortana. Yeah, yeah, that Cortana. You know, the one that turned against humanity? Think he's still on your side? That he won't bail on you for his stupid blue lady? You're wrong!
• Why aren't you losers furious with the Master Chief? Why put your trust in a guy that blew it so badly? All that misery you endured, you can lay it all right at his feet.
• Listen, you’re fools to pin your hopes on the Master Chief. The guy’s a mess. He’s got a habit of solving every problem he meets with violence, and while that’s pretty cool, it’s not the mark of a stable mind. And neither is mumbling at little blue people that live in your head. So pick a better hero. I nominate me.
• You humans think the Chief is here for you? Please, since when has he cared about anything except his stupid blue pal? He got what he came for. Don’t be surprised when he abandons you.
• You may have heard rumors of a Spartan emerging from the bowels of the ring. Those rumors are entirely false. Spartans are extinct thanks to the Hand of Atriox, so stop spreading human lies.
• I don’t wanna hear one more of you stupid humans crowing about the Master Chief. Atriox defeated him with the flick of his wrist. How much of a fight do you think he’s gonna put up this time around? In conclusion, hope is a meaningless waste of time, and if you want proof of that, ask all of your dead pals.
• Latest reports from the field indicate that two more human squads have been annihilated. Great work annihilating Banished! Great work dying, humans! Who says we can’t work togather?
• We’ve been killing humans up and down this galaxy for a long time, and we’re gonna keep killing humans until we’re all as grey as Escharum. This is our job, and we are really good at it.
• After six long months of war, aren’t you tired? Don’t your feet hurt from day after day of trudging across this ring? Aren’t you tired of getting your friends vaporized before your eyes? Of course you are! It’s time to give up, human! If not for your dignity’s sake, then for your aching feet! And your shattered spirit.
• Attention, human soldiers stationed at Base Delta Bravo Turnip Fruit, your team may have won, but your brother is still dead. I know this because I’m sitting on his legs and they’re finally starting to smell good.
• Attention, humans, you’re all stunningly, blindingly stupid. That’s all, carry on.
• We’re watching, every hour of every day. And the only reason you’re still alive is because it’s fun as heck to watch you struggle for every moment of your continued existence! It’s like, what do you humans call it, TV. It’s a lot like TV, and your suffering is our favorite show!
• I thought I pretty much plumbed the depths of my hatred for humans, but then I had a supremely crappy day, and [laughs] what’s this? All the way at the bottom of my heart! Even more hatred for humans! It was there the whole time! I hate you soooooo much! I yearn for your extinction!
• if you’re smelling something funny on the air, that would be the huge pile of seized human provisions, medical supplies, personal effects, armor, and food we just torched. You didn’t need all that crap, right?
• How much does it hurt knowing how hard you failed? All the lives lost due to your incompetence? I bet it keeps you up at night. I bet it gnaws at your guts. And it should.
• You think all this resistance is helping? You’re only making us mad. And that’s only going to make it hurt more when we get our angry mitts on you. You think I’m joking? Screw around and find out.
• In claiming Zeta Halo, the Banished have done what the Covenant couldn’t. That’s right, the Covenant, which time after time pushed you idiots to the brink of extinction, are nothing compared to us. We’re like nothing you’ve ever seen.
• When you’re sitting there asking “Why me?”, remember that you came to Zeta Halo looking for a fight. All we did was give you one.
• [yawning] Gosh, it’s been a long day, ah, watching you pathetic nerds beg for your life. Oh, I’m beat! What are you UNSC dorks up to? Running and screaming. Ah, thought so. Just another day in paradise, huh?
• Attention all UNSC troops, just wanted you to know that the “unspoiled” rations you “miraculously” discovered last week were given some extra special seasonings by my good pal Jiplik. Hope they were tasty.
• Reminder, resistance is hazardous to your health, because it makes us really, really angry.
• Listen up, humans, got any friends at Helix Squad? You’re gonna wanna check up on ‘em. Or what’s left of ‘em anyway. We left them in a nice big crater.
• If you humans are praying for the moment that backup finally arrives, remember, since Zeta Halo warped, they have no idea where to even start looking for you. You’re alone, and you’re gonna stay that way.
• Ho boy, just imagine, all that worthless human culture and industry that’ll go up in flames when we activate this ring. It’ll be like you never existed at all and there’ll be nobody alive to mourn the loss. Anyway, have a great day.
• Hey softskins, I know you’re probably thinking of your friends back home, so we just wanted to let you know that we transmitted a bunch of messages back to all your buddies on Earth and we told them you were all dead. Dead and smelly. Everyone, including your buddies, had themselves a real hearty chuckle.
• To our human friends still clinging to life on this ring, we know where you are, we know how to find you, and we’ll destroy every last one of you. So it’s time to get your affairs in order. I’m not sure what affairs you have left other than hiding in caves and eating moss, but you know, get it sorted.
• Give it up, humans. Do you know how many of you died since the Infinity? No need to check the mass graves, I got the number right here. It’s a metric crapload and it’s growing by the hour.
• When this is all over and the last of you are finally dead, I’m sure gonna miss this job. We had a lot of fun together. You running and screaming and me laughing at your agony. [laughs] It’s been great, thanks for being a part of it.
• We won’t lose. We can’t lose. This ring is ours. Anybody who says different is lying. Now throw down your weapons and give up this stupid fight.
• Mighty Escharum’s finally had enough of what’s left of you idiots. He’s dispatching patrols around the clock. Search parties crawling over every inch of the ring. The hunt begins. Better start running.
• Feeling emboldened by the return of your hero, humans? Great, we can’t wait to see that hope drained from your eyes right before you breathe your last.
• We hunted every last Spartan down, strung ‘em by their guts, and whacked the crap out of them with clubs in honor of that most sacred human tradition, the pinata. And if all the Spartans are dead, what chance do you think you stand? That’s right, less than zero.
• [sighs] I’ve been training my whole life to the best at demoralizing the hell out of you humans. I even majored in annoyance and vexation at the academy, so trust me, if you’re looking for reasons to give up, you’re in good hands.
• It’s been something like six months since you morons got here. That’s a long time. Like “your families have all moved on” kind of time. Food for thought.
• If it wasn’t clear yet how utterly, bafflingly doomed you all are, it sure will be soon. Our control of this ring is absolute and getting absoluter every hour. It’s time to lay down those weapons, friends.
• A few days of chaos ain’t changing a damn thing, humans. You’re all still doomed, we’re still winning, and in the very, very near future, we’re locking this ring down. For the Banished!
• [sighs] Boy howdy, it’s been a long six months of killing humans on this ring, but if you think we’re tired of it, you sure don’t know the Banished, because if you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life. And we love killing humans. Just like Brutes like eating ‘em. And killing ‘em.
• You knuckleheads act like the Banished have never been on the ropes before. We’ve overcome a lot and we ain’t going anywhere.
• Latest report from the war front: Tons of you died like sniveling cowards and tons of us stood over your corpses and gloated about it. Just another day in paradise! The end is near.
• You know this ring is special, right? You wanna know what it can do? Because we’re gonna show you and every stupid human you’ve ever known.
• Ah, humans, just curious, but how much is the UNSC paying you to fight us? I’m hoping that it’s a lot, because otherwise, somebody is getting a really raw deal, and hint: It ain’t us.
• Attention, humans, hope is brain poison. Remember that the next time you get excited for seeing another sunrise. Don’t forget about those odds dwindling every day.
• The Banished is more than just a collection of unstoppable heroes. We got allies. Important, powerful allies. And if you thought these last six months were bad, ha! What comes next, it’s gonna blow your minds out of your stupid heads.
• The last Spartan is dead, and he died like a sniveling coward. His last wish was that you would all just give up. Just stop prolonging what is, by now, an absolute certainty. Why not honor him by turning yourself in?
• What you got left in the tank, humans? Ain’t you running on fumes? How much longer do you think you can go?
• Uh, if you haven’t heard, your old home away from home, that ratty ship the Mortal Reverie, is now a Banished stronghold. We scrubbed the stink of the walls and threw out most of your stuff. So if you’re looking for a lost knick knack or misplaced comrade, check the pile of burning garbage. Can’t miss it.
• There’s not many of you left on this ring, but don’t worry. These little pep talks from yours truly will continue until every last one of you is dead. That’s a Glibnub guarantee! I’m here for you ‘til the very end!
• Attention, humans, I was just going back through some dog tags plucked off your dead comrades and I gotta say, human names are just the dumbest-sounding names in the galaxy. Easterling, McDonagh, Linde, Crocker, where’d you come up with that stupid crap? Go back in time and tell your parents to try harder.
• Welcome to day 160. No wait, 70? Oh well, somewhere around 1/6th of your miserable existence on Zeta Halo. Honestly, who knows how long it’s been anymore? Time flies when you’re having fun, and slaughtering humans is about as fun as it gets!
• The Banished are within reach of total victory, humans. Our time together will soon come to an end, but we’ll make sure to etch “Tried their best” on humanity’s tombstone, right before we launch it into the nearest sun.
• We’re picking up a lot of you humans blabbering on the comms about how it’s all gonna turn around at the last minute just because some big green nobody finally came out of hiding. That’s great, keep those hopes up. It’ll be funnier when we crush them.
• By our count, human casualties, injured, and capitulations are skyrocketing. One of my math guys crunched the numbers and at the current rate, a human dies on this ring every eight minutes. Tick tock, humans, when’s your number coming up?
• The higher-ups asked me for new ways to psychologically torture you humans. So I thought I’d try this. [screeching] How’s that working for you? You wanna die yet? [screeching] How about now?
• I was just watching footage of one of you idiot humans eating a poisonous plant and barfing all over the place! Weak stomachs lose wars, you know.
• Homesick, Marine? Throw down that gun and report to the nearest Banished camp. We’ll send you back to your friends and family in a convenient little box.
• Thinking about the other humans back on Earth? Well, I wouldn’t worry. We’re not far away now from activating this ring, and once we do, the worries, hopes, dreams, stupid shoes, and idiot haircuts of humans everywhere in the galaxy will come to a decisive and hilarious end.
• [laughs] I just saw one of you idiots get crushed by a Brute drop pod, and [laughs] it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen! [laughs]
• Believe me, you humans do not want control of this ring. There’s all kinds of overhead and upkeep, weird critters crawling around inside and the- Well, that’s classified, but believe me, it sucks.
• Hey, now that your entire chain of command is dead, who’s giving you Marines orders anyhow? You just making it up as you go along? Because that would explain a lot.
• The first humans who volunteer actionable intel on the whereabouts of the Master Chief will earn themselves a VIP induction into the Banished and a guarantee of survival for, I don’t know, at least a couple of weeks. Come one, come all! Sell out your big stupid hero and live!
• We came to this ring to stop Cortana, something you humans just couldn’t seem to pull off, but we shut her down. You think you stand a chance against us? Hah!
• Remember when the Infinity came to Zeta Halo just to get ambushed and crushed by us Banished? Ha, that was a nasty surprise, wasn’t it? Just goes to show you we’re always one step ahead. Always.
• Don’t relax yet, humans, we’re not going anywhere and we’ve got plenty more hardware up in orbit that we can drop on your useless heads at any time. Please continue to stare at the sky gripped by fear of the unknown.
• You think the Spartans are gonna save you? Think again. They’re dead, all of ‘em. Every one of those towering dorks that set foot on this ring has been eliminated. There’s no cavalry riding in, humans. No savior waiting in the wings. Just attrition, followed by submission, followed by, you guessed it, death.
• At the sound of the tone, all humans on the ring will lay down their arms and give up. Ding! Did it work? I said ding, you idiots!
• Uh, question for you softskins. What are you even doing here? What did the UNSC ever do for you except throw you screaming into the gaping maw of death time after time? Is that leadership you can trust? Hell no! Join the Banished. No humans have joined yet, but hey, first time for everything.
• Let’s take a moment to reflect on all the things you’ll never experience again: Warm beds, hot showers, regular meals, the affections of your friends and family, safety, and general happiness. All of it now a distant memory.
• Attention, humans, I regret to inform you that everything you’ve seen, heard, and experienced in the past 24 hours of this war was entirely imaginary. Here, in the real world, your goose remains utterly, totally cooked! This is verifiably, demonstrably true. Please believe me.
• Okay humans, hear me out. What if we were to try and work together? Your guns, my gas. We’d be unstoppable! I have three words for you: Aug. Mented. Unggoy.
• We’ve been skinning your sorry behinds and wearing them as hats. For months! But sure, go ahead celebrating your big win over one War Chief and his weirdo friend. Ain’t gonna bring back all your dead friends, is it?
• So the one good thing about humans thinking you won the battle is that more of you will think it’s safe to come out of hiding, and then when you do, bang! Your head goes pop and the children cheer!
• You think you’ve won. You think you’ve won? You ain’t won squat! We’ll fight until the last of us is ground into paste. That being said, I hear you humans have a thing for clemency and forgiveness. So if you’re doling any of that out, just give me a holler.
• Look, we all said some stuff we didn’t mean. You know, about slaughtering humans and the like, but there’s no reason to take it out on every more or less innocent Grunt you come across, okay? [laughs] Just…just remember that.
• Look up in the sky, humans. See all those beautiful Banished ships? Hanging silently like guillotines over your heads? We’re not going anywhere. Zeta Halo is now our home.
• Attention, Corporal Leah Rodriguez of Bluebell Squad, we intercepted your transmission back to Earth and we agree. You have very little chance of seeing your home again, but we sure did appreciate all that whining and crying you were doing. [laughs] Keep it up!
• The Brutes cleared out a cave and found one of your diaries. I got notes. First, all of your whining about your dumb regrets in the face of certain death. Uh, cliché, try harder! Second, your handwriting. It makes you look weak. And third, nobody but me will ever read it. So 100% of your audience is laughing at your pain!
• Attention, Barracuda Squad. Barracuda Squad? That’s a stupid name. Just wanted you to know that we still got your commander. I mean, he’s dead, but we do still have him and he’s a lot of fun.
• Attention. Attention, human Private Eleanor Cline, please come pick up this picture of your dumb kids from the nearest outpost. I’m guessing it’s, uh, pretty important and- Wait, wait. ’m being told we plucked it off your dead body, so nevermind! Carry on, humans.
• Dear friends of colleagues of PFC Theodore Higgins, the idiot who galivanted his way into the Horn of Abolition several days ago. We captured old Teddy, beat the tar out for him, and sent him packing to the Tower for processing and interrogation. If you’d like to see him again, please report to the Tower. Chak ‘Lok would be more than happy to welcome/torture you.
• Hey humans, got some advice for you, that “nobody gets left behind” stuff. It’s gonna get you killed. Take Merchant Squad for example. We caught three of them, so the other eight decided to be heroes. Guess what happened? That’s right, 11 dead idiots. Be smart, save yourselves.
• If you’re looking for Riddle Squad, we’ve got them tied up in an undisclosed bunker. Hey, speaking of riddles, I got a good one for you: A Hunter is dropped into an undisclosed bunker stuffed with human prisoners. Who gets out alive? The answer is the Hunter. I’m not great at riddles, I’ll admit that.
• [grunting] This next song goes out to the surviving members of Vantage Squad. Wait, what? There aren’t any? Okay, a sad song, then. Then, anybody, uh, anybody got a trombone? Yeah, so we can do the wom-wom thing? No? No? Ugh, song’s cancelled.
• In honor of fallen Spartans Bonita Stone, Theodore Sorel, and Vedrana Makovich, we offer the following song of heartfelt remembrance: [spitting]
• Everybody raise a glass for Private Michael Buck, the human genius who shot his own squadmate in the chaos of battle. Your contribution to the Banished war effort is appreciated.
• Let’s take a moment to remember Spartan Bonita Stone, who went snooping around where she shouldn’t have been and got herself killed. Word is Jega killed her in a single strike. Man, I wish I had that on video.
• I’m just tickled to report that Spartan Hudson Griffin, notorious idiot human baby, expired at the Tower, but before he died, he gave up all your locations in a last-ditch attempt at clemency. You feeling safe, humans? You feeling secures? He sold you out!
• If anybody’s looking for a Spartan Theodore Sorel, take a peek in the Conservatory and see for yourself what happens when you go up against not one, but two Spartan Killers. It ain’t pretty.
• This just in, the humans are extremely excited they conquered some tiny insignificant island when us Banished have all the rest of the ring to ourselves. Congratulations, losers, you did it.

On the Master Chief

• The Chief's back, so what? We beat him before! What's different this time, the grapple hook? Oh, sure, that'll end the war, right, okay, yeah, uh huh!
• He's just one guy. One guy! When has one guy ever made a difference? Besides, you know, all the times he- Never mind, shut up, abandon all hope, et cetera.
• Fun fact: "Chief" rhymes with "grief". ...I don't really have anything to add to that, but you know, it sure makes you think, right?
• Why can't we kill the Chief? It's like he's psychic or something. Wait, I got it, we just gotta plug the controller into Player 2. Wait, what the hell do you mean there's no plug?
• There's no way we'll lose to a guy who can't get over his smart watch deciding that she could do better running the galaxy on her own.
• Hey Spartan, you listening? How long do you think that luck of yours is gonna last? It's gonna run out, and when it does, you're gonna pay. You're gonna pay big!
• Hey Master Chief, you out there? Or are you cowering in a cave like what’s left of your idiot species on this ring? You already failed once, and it cost your kind everything. You really wanna go for Round 2?
• Breaking news, we found the Master Chief, captured him, peeled the armor from his stupid bones, and killed him dead. His last words were – hang on, let me check my notes here – [clears throat] "All hope is lost. Humanity is doomed. Lay down your weapons. I am Master Chief." Whoo, harrowing words. You should listen to him.
• Here is a poem for the Master Chief: Your blood is red/Your teammates blue/Your parents don’t remember you. The end.
• You must think this is just some big dumb game, huh? Just because you blew up our battleship and gave us a bunch of trouble? Ha, you’re the one that’s gonna be sorry, Spartan!
• So, so wait a minute, I just found out that the Master Chief’s name is John. John? John? We’re afraid of a guy named John? Are you kidding me?
• Spartan, don’t look now, but three cloaked Elites are behind you. Have fun dying! [laughs] Made you look! [sighs] Hey, while I’ve got your attention, do you need a sidekick or something? I’m available.
• I’m actually starting to feel sorry for the big green dork. I mean, he’s got his ass kicked in front of everybody, most of his friends are dead, his own pets hate him. I don’t know if he has pets, but if he does, they definitely hate him, and most tragic of all, his worst days and his greatest failures are still ahead of him.
• Ugh, I hate this. We were supposed to win, not you! You always get to win. Remember the first space ring? The Spartan blows it up, you win. Then the big flowery space base? You win. Ancient warrior mummy in the hollowed-out planet thing? You win again. Ugh, so stupid.
• Hey Chief, where’s Blue Team? Don’t ya know? Pretty cold just leaving your siblings behind like that.

On the Banished

• To the three Unggoy sleeping on the job at the Forge of Teash, wake up! You’re gonna give our kind a bad name! Well, a worse name anyway.
• Attention, Banished troops, please observe a ceasefire during the next hour or so. The Grifball match is on and I do love watching humans smash each other.
• If anyone is wondering what the smell is coming from Sector G10, it's dead human. Awful, isn't it? Like, uh, like ham and mayonnaise on a hot day, blegh.
• I don't know, I'll tell ya, Fopflop, I've got some real big doubts. That Master Chief, he keeps winning, our forces keep dying, and Escharum's still going on about victory this, brotherhood that, boo hoo hoo, Atriox is dead, like he's, you know- Wait, what? You mean the mic is on?
• I'm hearing a lot of complaints from my fellow Unggoy out there about rough treatment from your Brute superiors. To you, my friends, I say this: [laughs] Better you than me, losers!
• Ugh, okay. For the last time, Jackals, you will be paid when the job is done and last I checked, there are still humans alive on this ring, so the job’s not done. Get back to work.
• Important reminder for the proud Elites in our ranks: We are not religious zealots like the Covenant, so you can cut the self-aggrandizing hooey, okay? Stick to wort-wort-worting or whatever the heck it is you say.
• Don’t go thinking that the Spartan Killers are just going to sit on their hands once the Chief is dead, they’ll just have to settle for, you know, lesser quarry. That means you, boots on the ground.
• Hey Elites, I got new official terminology guides for you: No more of this “Demon” crap. Spartans are just humans in an admittedly cool-looking fusion-powered wrapper.
• Fun fact for all the Unggoy out there: Did you know that humans are an excellent source of methane? It’s true, just…just don’t ask me how they get at it, okay?
• Oh man, we should have split off from the Covenant a long time ago. It’s way more fun doing the yelling instead of being yelled at all the time. I sure wish we didn’t bring the Kig-Yar with us, though. They’re the worst.
• Banished comrades, this is happening because you stupid jerks aren’t fighting hard enough. Where’s that fire? That moxie? You better find it or the War Chief’ll kill you deader than he’s gonna kill the Spartan!
• Argh, I just – I’m so – I-I can’t, okay? Just find the Spartan, kill the Spartan, this isn’t funny anymore.
• So, how are all my Banished comrades doing? Me? I’m great, great. I broke into the vintage gas, told myself I’d save it for the moment we incinerated Earth, but you know… [laughs] plans change. [laughing to sobbing]
• Do you have any idea how embarrassing it’ll be if we get taken down by one Spartan? We’d be no better than the Covenant! If that doesn’t light a fire under you Banished, nothing will.
• Attention, Banished, we’ve received reports of a squad of humans sheltering in Sector E3. You know what to do. [whispering] That means go kill them.
• Attention, all remaining Banished forces, we need fresh blood, so we’re kicking off a recruitment drive. Call up your buddies and sign ‘em up! Just, uh…just don’t tell ‘em about our recent setbacks.
• To all the Banished that keep asking us, no, we have no idea what the Skimmers are, and…yes, we probably should, but they’re on our side and are pretty good at killing humans, so…who cares? Now stop asking.
• Keep fighting, Banished, I quote the mighty Atriox, “Humans are dumb and weak. If you lose to ‘em, I’ll come back from the dead and kill you myself.” End quote.
• All Banished forces, any intel on the whereabouts of the Master Chief will be rewarded handsomely followed by intense questioning as to why you didn’t do anything about it. If you’ve got something to report, send it up the chain or else.
• Hey Banished, listen up! Just because we won this war doesn’t mean you can kick back and relax. There’s lots of work to do, humans to hunt, ancient technology to unearth. No slouching.
• Local units, uh, happy to report that Escharum successfully killed the Spartan. He’s deader than the Prophet of Sacrilege or whatever he was called. Anyway, carry on, nothing to worry about.
• I know that Escharum wants a nice big legendary fight to top off a proud career, but I’d think he’d also appreciate it if you morons would get your acts together and kill the Master Chief!
• You losers are sure making it difficult to stay positive. Every day the Master Chief survives makes us look even more incompetent. End this now.
• Orders from the War Chief: Anybody caught looking even kind of morose will be shot into space. So turn those frowns upside down
• The following is a friendly reminder from Banished food services. Dead enemies aren’t just fun to play with, they’re also highly nutritious. [humming] Spartan Candy, a special treat. Crack open their armor and eat, eat, eat!
• I don’t think Escharum has a clue what I’m doing on this radio. If he did, he’d practically boot my ass into space. A good thing he’s old and practically deaf.
• Banished forces, you bored out of your skulls with no humans to tear to pieces? Well, just you wait. Once we’re done here, we got a whole galaxy to conquest. Imagine all the weird crap you’ll be fighting. Keep that morale up, up, up!
• All Banished forces, remember, Spartans are just like any humans. Vulnerable to the same tricks. Sprinkle some potato chips and money outside their hidey holes and watch ‘em come running, then shoot ‘em.
• Friendly reminder to all the Banished listening out there on Zeta Halo, we won this war and nothing’s changing that. Certainly not the completely hypothetical return of a certain Spartan.
• All forces, we got two loose prisoners in Sector F7. One of ‘em has a broken leg. That means the first Banished trooper who finds them gets to break three legs!
• You feel that, Banished? That’s what it feels to have your destiny in your own hands! Screw the Covenant, screw humanity! Now, we’re running the show!
• Like Atriox said, we’re not fighting for some stupid empire obsessed with a Great Journey, we’re fighting for each other. A glorious brotherhood united against the rotten bastards who would have us die for their worthless causes. Stand proud, Banished. We are free.
• Look Banished, we all know this war is in the bag, but you know, just in case, maybe, maybe we should hurry the hell up and put a bow on it, okay? Now, finish it now, right now!
• Gosh, you Brutes really sure have a lot to be mad about. The Covenant, Cortana, Doisac, it’s quite a list. So go put those grievances to good use and share them with the nearest human with your fists.
• You humans have heard of Jega ‘Rdomnai, right? The elitest Elite in the Banished? The middle finger of the Hand of Atriox? Well, he’s out on the prowl at this very moment doing what he does best, so forget about sleeping, relaxing, or doing anything that ain’t looking over your shoulder.
• Ugh, this sucks. You weren’t supposed to get this far, humans, ugh. Can we give Yapyap a chance now?
• That Spartan Locke sure did know how to get ahead, which is why Hyperius used his helmet as arm decoration. [laughs] Gallows humor.

FOB progress

• Banished forces, just got word that we’ve lost several of those human-built forward operating bases. No big deal, you say, they smell bad anyway, but losing any ground to the humans brings shame upon us all. So don’t lose another one.
• Ugh, what did I tell you about those stupid FOBs? I distinctly remember telling you to defend them, but the humans keep taking them back! What, do you want them to win?
• All those stupid FOBs are now back in UNSC hands. Just letting you know when Escharum finds out and goes berserk, this is on you. And by you, I mean everybody who isn’t me.

Miscellaneous

• I don't know who needs to hear it, but Unggoy have the best names: Yipyap, Flipyap, Poonflip, Jiplik, Sipzag, I mean come on, how great are those?
• Hey, uh, if anybody knows the Battlenet Wi-Fi password, I would be eternally grateful, that is all.
• Be Propaganda Minister for the Banished, they said. You'll get to yell mean stuff at all the humans, they said.
• It's another beautiful day on Zeta Halo. Sun's shining, bird things are...bird-thinging, and the Banished are totally, completely, absolutely going to- Ugh, forget it.
• [sobbing] I know, I know, the mic is on and I don't...care! [sobbing]
• Hey, we got a Craig out there? I keep hearing about some loser named Craig. Why the heck do you get all the attention? We're just as cool, if not way cooler.
• Ah, it's you! Oh, thank goodness you heard my messages. I was worried you would think I was serious. I wasn't secretly encoding cries of help and rescue. You...You believe me, right? Ask the Arbiter, he'll vouch for me, I promise! Please, please, please believe me.
• [hums the first few bars of the Halo Theme] Man, I hate that song.
• If anyone has a spare Xbox controller, I accidentally broke mine, and also, if anyone has a spare Xbox, I would be interested in that as well.
• Man, I sure miss the days when we were M-rated. If we still were, I could tell you all about how big of a gosh darn fricking frack so-and-so you are!
• This one time, I saw a Brute punch a human so hard, the human exploded! I laughed 'til I threw up! That is all.
• Look, I don't know who moved this big old death hoop, but if you could please put it back where it belongs, that would be great. I can't order delivers from premium gas vendors if I don't know my own friggin' address! What the heck am I supposed to tell them? I live "somewhere"?

High-value targets

• So you may have heard that we lost a number of senior officers lately and while yes, there are some vacancies opening up among the Bloodstars, it’s only because those guys were dumb and weak while our remaining guys are certainly not dumb and weak. Thanks for culling our deadweight, humans.
• Ugh, this sucks! This wasn’t supposed to happen! We had this in the bag! What happened? Who do we blame? I’m thinking we start with Bipbap. Great job with all that vanquishing, you failure of an Unggoy.
• Humanity sucks, the Banished rule! You slugmuffins will never have control of this ring no matter how many of our leaders you slaughter.
• Uh, regrettable news. It appears the top ranks of Banished warriors has thinned. Considerably. You may recall my thanking you humans for culling our deadweight. I now wish to retract that statement. Stop culling our deadweight, okay? No more culling.
• Well, now you’ve gone and done it, humans. Just got a report from Escharum and he is not happy with you. Not that there’s anything wrong on our end, though. Everything’s fine. We’re winning. We’ve already won. Believe me or die.
• You killed them! All of them! All the best and brightest of the Banished, even [choking] gentle Briglard and [sobbing] sweet sweet Bipbap! [grunting] I hope you’re satisfied, Master Chief, [sobbing] you stupid walking apocalypse! [sobbing]

Propaganda tower progress

• Someone out there is vandalizing my communication towers. Why would you do such a thing? Why would you want to spill this oh-so-special relationship we've built over these six months? I want you to know I'm hurt. Now knock it off.
• I'm told that half my comm towers are now down. In lieu of threatening the war criminal responsible for this war crime, here is an important question: What do you think your bones look like without all that skin and organs and crap hanging of 'em? Keep messing around and find out.
• Hey Chief, if you’re listening and you’re thinking about taking down another tower, wait, okay? Just wait for a sec, because if you take all these towers out, I’m out of a job. A-And if I’m no use to whatever hairy so-and-so takes over for Escharum, I-I’m dead. Where I stand. You wouldn’t want that to happen, right? Pal? Right?