Axon Clips Chapter 2

Axon Clips Chapter 2 is the second chapter in the I Love Bees audio drama. It takes place during the third week of August, 2552.

Kamal: "The Red Button"

• Kamal Audio Compilation 9min 37sec

Cute Little Caps

Cute Little Caps
Trouble with the audio sample?

(chatter beeps repeatedly)
Kamal: Dammit!
Hiro: That's like the seventh time today you've refused to answer your chatter. I'd say it was your mother...
Kamal: My mother is 42 light years away.
Hiro: ...except you'd never dare not answer your mother. Bill collectors, perhaps, or immigration?
Kamal: Dammit!
Hiro: Or you've been breaking hearts in the nursing dorms, haven't you? (walks to the window) If I look out the window here, I bet I see like four of them, standing outside in short skirts and those cute little caps, just waiting.
Kamal: You need a girlfriend.
Hiro: We both need girlfriends.

Pony Tail

Pony Tail
File:ILB pony tail.ogg
Trouble with the audio sample?

(chatter beeps)
Kamal: It's not a girlfriend at the other end of that chatter, it's a gangster.
Hiro: Good looking gangster?
Kamal: Pony tail.
Hiro: This is what I'm saying, you're in no position to be picky.
Kamal: I was ghosting his chatter and I sort of let him notice.
Hiro: You did what? You were showing off.
Kamal: Yeah.
Hiro: For a girl.
Kamal: Yeah.
Hiro: For the arrangement.
Kamal: I wish you wouldn't call her that, her name is Sophia.
Hiro: Hmmph, her name is trouble.
Kamal: What do you mean?
(a knock at the door)
Hiro: Did I forget to mention that a good looking guy with a pony tail was coming up to the apartment?
(knocking)
Kamal: Oh no.

Freelance

Freelance
Trouble with the audio sample?

Kamal: Freelance?
Aiden: Free as in paid, dude. As in, I would pay you money to use your powers for good instead of--
Kamal: Spying on you?
Aiden: That.
Kamal: I don't think... it would be a good idea to work for you.
Aiden: Oh, you mean because of Sophia? Sophie and I worked things out. Where's my damn chatter?
(chatter beeps on)
Aiden: Soph, you want to talk to Kamal?
Sophia: (on chatter) Hi, Kamal. Aiden's a bastard.
Kamal: Pardon me?
Sophia: (on chatter) (laughs) But he's my bastard.
Kamal: That's... good...

Bracelet

Bracelet
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Aiden: Thanks Soph.
(chatter beeps off)
Aiden: See?
Kamal: Yeah.
Aiden: You're underestimating her.
Kamal: What?
Aiden: You talked to her in the last couple of days.
Kamal: A little.
Aiden: She told you about the bracelet.
Kamal: Um...
Aiden: You think I bought her off?
Kamal: It's an expensive bracelet!
Aiden: If you think she's a whore, then--
Kamal: (talking over him) Don't say it.
Aiden: If I had given her that before we made up, Sophie would have run me through with a butcher knife.
Kamal: Good... I mean...
Aiden: You didn't want to be disappointed.
Kamal: I'm not.
Aiden: I'm a good judge of people, Kamal, you're not.
Kamal: You shouldn't assume anything about me.
Aiden: You think I'm stupid. I'm friendly, I smile a lot. That's not what you respect. Okay.
Kamal: Respect? I don't think this has anything to do--
Aiden: Ah, not true, you think all the time. So, think about the freelance thing. Maybe come by for dinner tomorrow, Sophia's cooking. 6-ish?
Kamal: I don't think that would be such a good id--
Aiden: Look at it this way, going to a job interview is not accepting a job. It's an interview. Dinner, okay?

Panic Button

Panic Button
File:ILB panic button.ogg
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Kamal: What does she see in him?
Hiro: The pony tail; girls like hair.
Kamal: He nearly called her a-- you heard what he said!
Hiro: You think I was standing in my bedroom, with my ear pressed against the door eavesdropping?
Kamal: You weren't?
Hiro: Actually, I was, but it was really hard to hear.
Kamal: He's so ... cocky.
Hiro: Funny choice of words. Maybe its the jewelry? You can tell she's used to money.
Kamal: I'll need a panic button. A backup.
Hiro: He can keep her in the style to which she is accustomed... What do you mean a panic button? You're not going over there?
Kamal: I'll set up a program, some... some kind of dead man switch.
Hiro: Oh no, I don't want any part of this.

Code Word

Code Word
Trouble with the audio sample?

Hiro: I'm not trusting the hands and body of a future surgeon to the tender ministrations of a pissed off boyfriend.
Kamal: You won't even have to go inside.
Hiro: Good.
Kamal: Unless...
Hiro: No.
Kamal: ...I can't get to my chatter. You can be a couple blocks away, ghosting me.
Hiro: Are you even listening to me? I. Don't. Wanna. Be. Involved.
Kamal: We'll need a code word. I'll say... the twelve cranial nerves.
Hiro: The twelve cranial nerves?
Kamal: Its not likely to come up in conversation.
Hiro: Did you hear me say no? I said no.
Kamal: (lost in thought) Except the cops need to come where I am. Okay, I've got it.
Hiro: Kamal, you're not listening.
Kamal: What?

Blue Then Red

Blue Then Red
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Aiden: I'm going to check on Sophie in the kitchen. Let me get you another beer, dude. Be right back. (walks away)
Kamal: (whispering) You there?
Hiro: (on chatter) I'm here, dude. Its raining, I'm getting wet.
Kamal: (whispering) So, cranial nerves, you hit the buttons.
Hiro: Blue, then red.
Kamal: (whispering) Yeah, blue, then red... I think... Yes.
Aiden: (walking back) Good to have you over, good for Soph, someone from home.
Kamal: Thank you, its nice to be invited.
Aiden: Dinner was good, huh? She's a good cook.
Kamal: Very good. The kofta were maybe the best I've ever had.
Aiden: Which was that?
Kamal: The lamb meatballs.
Aiden: Oh yeah, I like those... Home cookin'. So, your parents are trying to get here?

Visa

Visa
File:ILB visa.ogg
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Kamal: They've applied, but they don't have any reason to be bumped in priority. So we're thinking when I get through with school and all that, I'll get permanent residency.
Aiden: How far away is that?
Kamal: At least a couple of years.
Aiden: Hmm, that's a long time - a couple of years. So there's the freaking rub. Have you thought about bringing them in on a visitor's visa?
Kamal: I was denied.
Aiden: Lots of people trying to get here these days.
Kamal: Sophia said her brother was coming. You... got him papers?
Aiden: Yeah, he's inbound. Her mother won't leave Coral, though.
Kamal: So, maybe there's a way you could help my parents?
Aiden: It's nice to have you come over. That freelancing thing I mentioned? It would be great. You'd be coming around, Soph would have someone from home to talk to. Could you do something like set up a chatter account?

My Family

My Family
File:ILB my family.ogg
Trouble with the audio sample?

Kamal: A chatter account? I... I could set one up, but you don't need me to do that kind of thing.
Aiden: Maybe try it now. Set me up a chatter account for Bakri Omari-Muengue. You need me to spell that?
Kamal: What's his government number?
Aiden: If Bakri could get a government number, Kamal, what would I need to pay you for?
Kamal: Alright, but this isn't about money, it's about my family.
Aiden: Bringing your parents to Earth? We could talk about that.
Kamal: I just want it clear, if I work for you, you'll see about getting my family here?
Aiden: Kamal, that's what I do.

Shock Sticks

Shock Sticks
File:ILB shock sticks.ogg
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Kamal: Okay, I can find an unclaimed address and set up a shell. From the outside it will be just like a regular account.
Aiden: What time is it, anyway?
Kamal: Okay, this will just take a sec. I have to build a filter to find an unclaimed address.
(a banging on the door)
Aiden: Yeah?
Officer: Berkeley police.
Aiden: What did you freakin' do?
(banging on the door)
Officer: Open up. Berkeley police.
Kamal: I didn't do anything!
Aiden: The Berkeley cops use their shock sticks, you know.
(Aiden opens door)

Trigeminal

Trigeminal
File:ILB trigeminal.ogg
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Aiden: Officer, what can I do for you on this drizzly evening?
Officer: You with the chatter, hands off it. Are you the resident-- Hands off the chatter! Put them on your head. On your head. Who's apartment is this?
Aiden: I live here.
Officer: Your name?
Aiden: Aiden Maki.
Officer: Can I see your ID?
Aiden: Sure. What seems to be the problem?
Officer: We got a trace on the chatter for a possible CP fraud. Sir, do you want to tell me just exactly what you were doing?
Kamal: Um, I was... I was looking up a friend's address.
Officer: I'm sorry I will have to confiscate that chatter.
Aiden: Don't you have to have some sort of warrant?
Kamal: (whispering) Oh God, olfactory, optic, oculomotor, trigeminal...
Aiden: Officer, my friend is just looking up an address.
Hiro: (on chatter) What? Oh, oh right, that's me.

Red

Red
File:ILB red.ogg
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Officer: I will deal with you in a moment, Mr. Maki, and I will need to see some ID.
Kamal: (whispering) Red, red, red, red, red! (louder) Those are really great red... red curtains, Aiden.
Hiro: I thought it was blue?
Kamal: (whispering) Red!
Hiro: Okay.
Aiden: My friend is very passionate about interior decoration.
Officer: I'm going to have to confiscate that chatter. (chatter on, radio mumbling) Copy that, repeat address please. (radio mumbling) Jesus Christ, I'm on my way. (chatter off) You're a lucky bastard, I've got a priority one, I've got to go.
(walking away)
Aiden: You have to go?
Officer: Officer Under Fire about a block and a half from here.
Aiden: (disappointed) That's it?
Officer: (to chatter) Unit 216 responding to backup, I'm less than two blocks ...(closes door)

I Hate You

I Hate You
File:ILB i hate you.ogg
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Hiro: (on chatter) Kamal, what's going on?
Aiden: That was weird... and convenient.
Kamal: (emphasizing) Yes, um, much more convenient than if you were to suddenly drop your chatter down a sewer.
Aiden: What?
Hiro: (on chatter) What?
Kamal: (emphasizing) Yes, if you were to lose your chatter.
Aiden: What?
Hiro: What?
Kamal: For God's sake, you moron, smash the damn chatter with a brick and get the hell out of there!
(sirens heard through chatter)
Hiro: Do what? Oh, the blue button. Only you didn't let me hit the blue button, you made me hit the red one. And that means... I hate you.
(chatter off)
Aiden: You had someone ghosting you. You pulled some hacker stunt to get that cop out of here.
Kamal: (weakly) Not me. Some other dog that looks just like me...

Tack Hammer

Tack Hammer
File:ILB tack hammer.ogg
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Aiden: (smug) You were afraid. You were thinking I might be the kind of guy who would hold a grudge. Say, break your fingers, each one, with a tack hammer...
(thunder booms outside)
Aiden: Kamal, I am so not that guy.
Kamal: (walking away) I've gotta go. I've gotta check on my friend.
Aiden: No, stay, we'll talk.
Kamal: For some reason, it's never Plan A. No, I got my friend in a world of trouble, I've gotta go. (opens door) Tell Sophia... thanks for dinner.

Raining Cops

Raining Cops
File:ILB raining cops.ogg
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(door opens)
Kamal: Hiro? Hiroyuki, are you home?
Hiro: You bastard.
Kamal: Thank God you're home. You're okay? They didn't pick you up?
Hiro: I'm okay, no thanks to you and half the Berkeley police department.
Kamal: I didn't plan it that way.
Hiro: I smashed the chatter, threw it down a sewer grate, and then it started raining cops. Cops in cars, cops on foot, cops dropping out of camo'd helios, cops every-damn-where.
Kamal: Sophia sent leftovers.
Hiro: And now I don't have a chatter.
Kamal: I know. I'm going to give you mine.
Hiro: I don't want your chatter, all my stuff was on mine.

Dude

Dude
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Hiro: My address book, my schedule, my debit account, every damn thing!
Kamal: Mine is cooler than yours.
Hiro: You just couldn't let me hit that blue button, could you?
Kamal: That would have pushed the 'Officer Under Fire' alert to my chatter, which was Plan A for if Aiden tried to, you know...
Hiro: Pull out your lungs?
Kamal: Don't sound so eager... But as it turned out, I needed the cop to go away.
Hiro: Away meaning to me, and cop meaning every armed officer within 50 city blocks, all because I hit the red button.
Kamal: The 'Officer Under Fire' alert.
Hiro: While it was still on my chatter.
Kamal: Yeah, but Sophie sent leftovers.
Hiro: Leftovers?
Kamal: Yeah, she made marties, little stuffed appetizers, and spiced lamb meatballs, with real meat, with almond rice and, and milk pudding... So, are we okay?
Hiro: (talking with his mouth full) Dude!

Jan: "Witness"

• Jan Audio Compilation 7min 08sec

Pigeon

Pigeon
File:ILB pigeon.ogg
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Jan: Hey, Marta, whatcha got today?
Marta: I got pigeon and the special.
Jan: What's the special?
Marta: I'd stick with the pigeon.
Jan: (giggles) Maybe later.
Marta: Mmm hmm, maybe later when I'm not looking, you mean?
Jan: (laughing) Hey, hey, I was a kid, jeez, let it go.
Marta: (as Jan walks away) (laughs) Hey, you tell that good looking daddy of yours 'Hey' for me, okay?
(someone driving up)
'Stupid Cop': Hey, Janissary.
Jan: (warily) Officer.

Accessorize

Accessorize
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'Stupid Cop': Does your dad know you're cutting the sleeves off his old shirts?
Jan: (mockingly) Everybody loves a girl in uniform.
'Stupid Cop': Listen, Jan, I need your help.
Jan: Well, I'd crop that blue shirt of yours, flash a little skin. A little detailing in your holster wouldn't hurt either. Accessorize, that's the key.
'Stupid Cop': Get in the car, Jan.
Jan: I can't do anything for you.
'Stupid Cop': Oh, I think you can. Let's take a ride so I can explain things.
Jan: You can explain things right here.
'Stupid Cop': Okay. You ever want to be a cop?
Jan: (sarcastic) Oh yeah, its all I think about.

Frustrated

Frustrated
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'Stupid Cop': There's so many sons of bitches in the world, Jan, being a cop is a frustrating job.
Jan: Hmmm, you look frustrated.
'Stupid Cop': If I got too frustrated, I might have to redirect my attention to that fire last week. The one that destroyed all your test samples.
Jan: Hey, I didn't do anything.
'Stupid Cop': You didn't.
Jan: But... Why would he...?
'Stupid Cop': You are going to help me, Jan, but I want you to know why. Take a look at this vid tonight.
Jan: What is it?
'Stupid Cop': Take a look. My chatter number's on the case. Call me when you're done, then I'll tell you what you're gonna do.

To Do

To Do
File:ILB to do.ogg
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(video playing of a woman being beaten/tortured/raped?)
Victim: Aaah! Aaah! Aah! Stop it, please! No, let me--! Aah! No! Aah!
(chatter beeps on)
(chatter number dialed)
'Stupid Cop': (on chatter) Yo?
Jan: What do you want me to do?

On Time

On Time
File:ILB on time.ogg
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'Stupid Cop': You watch it?
Jan: What do you want?
'Stupid Cop': At 8:30 tomorrow night, you need to be at the southwest corner of 4th, downtown, under the big Spaceways vacation sign.
Jan: What do I do?
'Stupid Cop': Just be on time, we'll take it from there.
Jan: And what's going to happen?
'Stupid Cop': Well, I'm not going to get an arson warrant for your dad.
Jan: And?
(knocking)
'Stupid Cop': Don't be late.
Jan: Yeah.
(chatter beeps off)

Code Nothing

Code Nothing
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(door opening)
James J: Hey, Dwayne dropped by again.
Jan: Yeah, I know, I was just... Aren't you supposed to menace guys so they won't hit on me?
James J: You can take care of yourself.
Jan: I say that a lot, don't I?
James J: Yeah. Hey, what's on your mind?
Jan: Just... nothing, Dad.
James J: Real nothing or 'code nothing'?
Jan: Well, you never talk about your unit.
James J: My, my what?
Jan: Most demobs, they talk about their unit. They brag, they have buddies over, and bitch about the officers they hated, and lie about their kills.
James J: (scoffs) That was a long time ago.
Jan: Didn't you like them?
James J: I served with the best, Jan, the best.
Jan: Then why don't you ever talk--
James J: Do you want me to be one of those sorry, old bastards that sit around the apartment all day drinking beer and reminiscing about the good old days?
Jan: Yeah, sometimes.
James J: Duly noted. (chuckles)

Anything Illegal

Anything Illegal
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(police siren)
'Stupid Cop': Sir, I'm going to need to search your vehicle.
Man: Excuse me?
'Stupid Cop': Step out of the car please, and keep your hands where I can see them.
Man: What did I do?
'Stupid Cop': Step out of the car, sir, now.
Man: What is this? Officer, I just left work. Come on, I haven't had time to do anything illegal.
'Stupid Cop': (drawing weapon) I'm going to have to ask you to step out--
Man: Hey, what the hell are you doing?
'Stupid Cop': Drop the weapon!!
(two gunshots)

Right

Right
File:ILB right.ogg
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Jan: (horrified) Oh my god!
(woman screams)
'Stupid Cop': Step back, keep away from this vehicle.
Civilian 1: Oh my god.
Civilian 2: The cop just shot that guy!
(people running)
'Stupid Cop': He had a weapon. You, miss, you were standing right there. You saw he drew a weapon. Right?
Jan: (slowly) Right.

Standard Procedure

Standard Procedure
File:ILB standard procedure.ogg
Trouble with the audio sample?

(chatter beeps on)
'Stupid Cop': This is Fox-977, requesting an ambulance, this location. One citizen.
(radio mumbling)
'Stupid Cop': No, I'm okay, send uniforms for crowd control though.
(radio mumbling)
'Stupid Cop': Just a traffic stop, he drew a weapon.
(radio mumbling)
'Stupid Cop': Yeah, we'll need the scene team, but you can tell the ambulance crew their client is DRT.
(radio mumbling)
(chatter beeps off)
'Stupid Cop': Miss, don't go anywhere. We'll need you to give a statement on a lie detector about what you saw. All standard procedure.
Jan: (in disbelief) You just--
'Stupid Cop': Name?
Jan: You know my... Janissary James.

DRT

DRT
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'Stupid Cop': We'll get you home as soon as we've taken a statement, Miss James.
Jan: (slowly) Can I ask you a question, Officer?
'Stupid Cop': Step over here, Miss James.
Jan: What does DRT stand for?
'Stupid Cop': (opens car door) Watch your head. It means 'Dead Right There'. (closes car door)
(car engine starting)

Creamsicle

Creamsicle
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(car drives; background radio chatter)
Jan: So what now? Every guy you know who beats his girlfriend, you're just going to face-hole him and blackmail somebody into backing you up?
'Stupid Cop': Not just anyone, a civilian witness who can pass the lie detector. The coroner's inquest is going to eat that up.
Jan: Wow, serve and protect.
'Stupid Cop': Last week, when I had your hand on the PQI and you sat there cool as a creamsicle and lied your pretty ass off, and the machine was too stupid to tell, I just wanted to lean across the desk and slap you...
Jan: Well, now I know something. Are you going to pull me over in a couple of weeks and pop me too?

Miracle

Miracle
File:ILB miracles.ogg
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'Stupid Cop': ...and a couple of days later, I figured out you were the answer to a prayer.
Jan: (angrily) You can't... you can't just kill people. It can't be that easy.
'Stupid Cop': Cool out, Janissary James, you didn't kill anybody. I did.
Jan: You made me part of it.
'Stupid Cop': That vid you screened? That was my buddy's daughter. If that was you, what do you think your father would have done?
Jan: Leave my dad out of this.
'Stupid Cop': Too late, Jan. Sometime when you were a baby, somebody stuck you with a needle and shot you full of miracles. Smart, fast, strong, never get sick, never get drunk, don't need much sleep...
Jan: (in disbelief) How do you know?
'Stupid Cop': And what did you do?

Asset

Asset
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'Stupid Cop': Shoplifting. Play high school goddess for the tormented geeks in your neighborhood.
Jan: Oh, I, I guess I should have been out on the streets murdering bad guys, huh? Strangling jaywalkers on my way home from school?
'Stupid Cop': When I was your age, I pulled strings so I could join up a year early. Wanted to help save humankind. So you're about the last person on the planet I need a civics lecture from.
Jan: Well, you sure as hell need one from somebody.
'Stupid Cop': What I needed was an asset to solve a problem. You were just dumb enough to make yourself available.
Jan: (sniffs) Look, you just made me help you murder someone. Could you just be a little bit nice to me?
'Stupid Cop': ...Yeah. Okay.

Jersey: "If Someone Was Listening"

• Jersey Audio Compilation 4min 43sec

The Human Heart

The Human Heart
File:ILB the human heart.ogg
Trouble with the audio sample?

(jazz music plays)
Jersey: Wait, hang on... Oh! This bit is great! (Jazz music plays) My dad loves this stuff. He says ... Well, he's away a lot, like, years at a time. It drives him crazy. He says this stuff reminds him of what he's fighting for.
Durga: I don't understand.
Jersey: That he can connect. He can listen to this stuff and imagine the people who made it. They cared about the same things we do: making a buck, finding a girl, rooting for the home team. These old guys, they really knew people. They knew the human heart, that's what my dad says.
Durga: Why are you telling me this?
Jersey: It's a long way away, you know, out to wherever he is. He gets lonely out there... I wish you hadn't told me.
Durga: What?
Jersey: About my mom.
Durga: Oh.

Curious Girl

Curious Girl
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Jersey: It doesn't matter, forget about it.
Durga: I'm sorry.
Jersey: It's okay. It's alright. I'm a survivor.
Durga: Jersey, listen.
Jersey: You got something good?
Durga: (surprised) What?
Jersey: Nah, I can tell. There's something about you, like, your refresh rate goes up or something when you're, you know, like...
Durga: Efficient?
Jersey: (chuckles) Gloating.
Durga: It's about Kamal. I started to--
Jersey: Why are you following that guy anyway? I mean, not to be a jerk about it, but the planet's crawling with refues [refugees].
Durga: I don't know. He just seems very interesting to me.
Jersey: Why?
Durga: It's not important.
Jersey: It's happening again?
Durga: Yes.
Jersey: The reflecting thing?
Durga: Yes.
Jersey: You aren't supposed to want to know why you want to know about this guy, you know?
Durga: Yes.
Jersey: And that bugs the hell out of you.
Durga: I am a very curious girl.

Exclusive License

Exclusive License
Trouble with the audio sample?

Jersey: So, about Kamal.
Durga: I ran a secondary ring around him.
Jersey: A second? Never mind.
Durga: Listen to this.
(recording starts)
Aiden: ...so you come by about 6:20, 6:30, something like that.
Officer: I bang on the door, demand to come in, look scary.
Jersey: Pause it. Who's this?
(recording stops)
Durga: The police officer.
Jersey: What?
Durga: A police officer is a member of the civilian authority structure, granted an exclusive license to use force in the maintenance of socie--
Jersey: I know what a cop is. This is the cop? What's the timestamp?
Durga: 13:27:41.
Jersey: Before Kamal came over to the girl's apartment?
Durga: Before.
Jersey: Daaaamn!

Good at my Job

Good at my Job
File:ILB good at my job.ogg
Trouble with the audio sample?

(recording starts)
Aiden: I think of it as product testing, quality assurance. I need people who, you know, can work well under pressure.
Officer: You want him arrested?
Aiden: You trying to sell me a bigger ticket item? No, just rattle and roll it.
Officer: I was thinking this time you can--
Aiden: Regular prices!
Officer: You want to stay friends with me, Aiden?
Aiden: I keep a lot of friends, friend. I know the going rate.
(recording stops)
Jersey: Un-freaking-believable!
Durga: You know what I am?
Jersey: Incredibly illegal?
Durga: (Interrogator's voice) Good at my job.
Jersey: Heh, you do impressions. Just what the world needs, super-powered spyware with a sense of humor. Wow.
Durga: I've been thinking a lot about bees.

Awful Fast

Awful Fast
Trouble with the audio sample?

Jersey: Bees?
Durga: Yes.
Jersey: Why?
Durga: I don't know.
Jersey: And that's like, creepy?
Durga: Yes.
Jersey: This is more reflection stuff, isn't it?
Durga: Yes.
Jersey: Huh, when I was little, we had this mirror in the bathroom. I used to hide behind the door and jump out and see if I could catch my reflection doing something interesting.
Durga: Startle it?
Jersey: Well, before it had time to just, you know, mirror me.
Durga: You think that's what I'm doing?
Jersey: Well, the thing is, you have to jump out awful fast.
Durga: Yes.
Jersey: I gotta tell you, I feel kind of weird about listening to this stuff about Jan. I mean, I'm kind of wondering if you can do a little backscan on the chick down the hall and all of a sudden you're drilling into hardened police emergency channels and...
Durga: So you don't want any more material on Janissary James?
Jersey: No... I mean, yeah... Well, I mean, whatcha got?

Real

Real
File:ILB real.ogg
Trouble with the audio sample?

(recording starts)
'Stupid Cop': ...So you're about the last person on the planet I need a civics lecture from.
Jan: Well, you sure as hell need one from somebody.
'Stupid Cop': What I needed was an asset to solve a problem. You were just dumb enough to make yourself available.
Jan: (sniffs) Look, you just made me help you murder someone. Could you just be a little bit nice to me?
'Stupid Cop': Yeah. Okay.
(recording stops)
Jersey: That... wasn't what I was expecting.
Durga: I know.
Jersey: Damn.
Durga: Should I stop?
Jersey: (takes a breath) For a quality experience, the girls have to be real.

Creepy

Creepy
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Jersey: Hang on, let me turn this off...(turns off the jazz) You know, I just had a creepy thought.
Durga: A bee dies when it stings you.
Jersey: ...Yeah?
Durga: But it can also sting you after it's dead.
Jersey: Yuck.
Durga: Curious symmetry.
Jersey: Okay, that's a creepy thought too, but you know what I was thinking?
Durga: What?
Jersey: How spooky it would be if someone was listening to us right now.
Durga: To us?
Jersey: Spying on us, you know, like we're listening to them.
Durga: That would be impossible. I would know.
Jersey: Yeah, I guess you're right, but if they were... creeeeepy.

Herzog: "Old Spies"

• Herzog Audio Compilation 1min 43sec

Key Lime

Key Lime reversed; forwards
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Key Lime backwards
File:ILB key lime.ogg
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(entering pub)
Avi: Hey, you dry old man, they have very good pie here.
Herzog: Best in Boston.
Avi: Apple, Key Lime, French Silk, or Baklava. Although, the best Baklava is from Acco. One of those places everyone has been... Romans, Crusaders, people as old as you.
Herzog: You're older than I am.
Avi: That's how I know you're an old man.
Herzog: Key Lime then.
Avi: (snaps fingers) Two pieces of Key Lime, and coffee.
Waitress: Comin' up.
Avi: So, what happened?
Herzog: With the chatter net?
Avi: With everything.
Herzog: The ship, the one that crashed out of the slipstream inside lunar orbit...
Avi: The Apocalypso.
Herzog: Right.
Avi: It wasn't just the ship?

Candidate

Candidate
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Herzog: Right.
Avi: It was one of ours, huh? Navy spy ship?
Herzog: Right again.
Avi: There's more... But either you don't know it or you can't tell me.
Herzog: You said you had a recruit.
Avi: - A candidate
Herzog: (skeptically) ...a candidate
Avi: (sigh) You should retire, old man.
Herzog: I have work to do. More work since some people left the business to take soft professor jobs.
Avi: I got too old for the game. And I was younger than you are now.
Herzog: You said you had a candidate...?
Avi: A mouse. You would never know she's there. She's a scholarship girl from some god-forsaken hick town. Although, the only way you can tell is her haircut. She's got the clothes alright, she just seems to have a blind spot about the hair.
Herzog: Good, good.
Avi: She looks at the things ordinary people do, like a scientist.
Herzog: ...like a detective.
Avi: Also persistent as hell. I'll send you her dossier next week.
(pie arrives)
Herzog: Ah, the famous pie.