The Ballad of Hamish Beamish: Difference between revisions
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{{Title|''The Ballad of Hamish Beamish''}} | {{Title|''The Ballad of Hamish Beamish''}} | ||
'''''The Ballad of Hamish Beamish''''' is | {{Status|Apocrypha}} | ||
{{Semi-canon}} | |||
{{Quote|Honestly in the anthology, I was just excited to contrast stories about the giddy heights of [[artificial intelligence]], with the slimy nadir of natural intelligence [in [[Saint's Testimony]]]. I’m also more closely aligned in real-life with Hamish than I am with [[Iona]]. And with Fractures, that’s further compounded by my now regular embarrassment of being contrasted myself, with a slew of far superior authors and creators.|Frank O'Connor{{Ref/Reuse|bbb}}}} | |||
[[File:UNSC_Janitorial_Corps_by_TDSpiral.png|thumb|200px|Accompanying illustration by Garrett Post]] | |||
'''''The Ballad of Hamish Beamish''''' is a poem included in ''[[Halo: Fractures|Halo: Fractures: Extraordinary Tales from the Halo Canon]]''. Written by [[Frank O'Connor]], the ''Ballad'' is a tongue-in-cheek piece detailing the life of [[Hamish Beamish]], a [[Corbulo Academy of Military Science|Corbulo Academy]] janitor whom O'Connor originally portrayed in a cameo appearance in ''[[Halo 4: Forward Unto Dawn]]''. The story includes art by {{Plain|[https://www.artstation.com/artist/garrettpost Garrett Post]}},<ref name="bbb">[https://www.halowaypoint.com/en-us/news/books-browsers-and-big-team '''Halo Waypoint''' - '' Books, Browsers, and Big Team'']</ref> whose artwork was previously featured in the ''[[Headhunters (short story)|Headhunters]]'' short story in the re-release of ''[[Halo: Evolutions]]''. | |||
==The Ballad== | |||
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A long time ago on a military ship | |||
A boy signed on to a perilous trip | |||
A would-be cadet | |||
With a penchant for danger | |||
He signed on for thrills | |||
In a cryosleep manger | |||
Corbulo's the name | |||
Of his life's destination | |||
A military school | |||
With a fine reputation | |||
An officer's life | |||
Was the life he had chosen | |||
As he and his chums were cryonically frozen | |||
And off into slipspace the young people headed | |||
But a problem arose that starfarers have dreaded | |||
The long sleep of storage | |||
Was to be interrupted | |||
By a technical flaw | |||
And some code that corrupted | |||
As the good ship Jamaica flew on through night | |||
The seal on his chamber grew a bit less than tight | |||
The cryopod opened a decade too soon | |||
And Hamish thawed out 'neath an alien moon | |||
Alone and afraid in the space between spaces | |||
He gazed with fear at his companions' faces | |||
He wiped frost from their visors | |||
But onward they slept | |||
Safe and preserved while poor Hamish just wept | |||
When he got it together, he resolved to survive | |||
Alone on a starship, now surely he'd thrive | |||
All he'd need is some heat and a good source of food | |||
But on waking the AI, the news wasn't good | |||
“Apologies, Beamish, but this ship is unmanned | |||
“You and the others are effectively canned | |||
“We ship you like cargo to some distant star | |||
“But this uncrewed transporter has no buffet bar | |||
“Nor heating for humans, but there's plenty of air | |||
“So if you wrap up in blankets, you might still make it there | |||
“Your sleep chamber's ruined | |||
“And the backup is rusted | |||
“So if you get to Corbulo | |||
“You'll be all old and busted | |||
“It's been called a flat circle | |||
“And a relative hitch | |||
“But the fact of the matter's | |||
“Time is gravity's bitch | |||
“So you have my condolence | |||
“And I'll help if I can | |||
“But I suggest that indolence | |||
“Is the best kind of plan.” | |||
So the darkness and cold would make anyone spooked | |||
And young Master Hamish knew that his goose was cooked | |||
He examined his options | |||
And set in for the flight | |||
He'd be cold and hungry for this long, lonely night | |||
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So he needed some fuel for a possible fire | |||
And protein to eat lest his body expire | |||
He looked high and low | |||
And through every dark passage | |||
But all he could find was an Oberto sausage | |||
Two hundred years old | |||
Discarded, incredible | |||
But because it was jerky | |||
It was still kind of edible | |||
As he chewed the last meat | |||
That he might ever enjoy | |||
He thought about girls and he thought about boys | |||
Though frozen intact, nails and hair would still grow | |||
And the seeds of his madness had started to show | |||
He would shave them and clip them | |||
With tender composure | |||
And burn hair and eat nails lest he die of exposure | |||
The smell, it was dreadful | |||
And the sight even worse | |||
But better this madness | |||
Than a flight in a hearse | |||
And so ten long years passed | |||
And Corbulo drew near | |||
And Hamish's madness | |||
Replaced all his fear | |||
He got used to the routine | |||
As we are wont to do | |||
But he dreamed of poutine | |||
And he played his kazoo | |||
Oh, I didn't explain that he kept that toy whistle? | |||
Or that he wore a tattoo of a plain Scottish thistle? | |||
His buzzing lament did not keep him sane | |||
In fact, you could argue it addled his brain | |||
So when the ship at last reached the Corbulo banner | |||
He was thirty years old and as mad as a spanner | |||
The medics tried hard to habilitate Hamish | |||
His exploits aboard were disturbing but famous | |||
They found him a job doing what he does best | |||
Which is making the most of a terrible mess | |||
So they put him in whites and they gave him a broom | |||
And set him about cleaning room after room | |||
The other cadets soon forgot Hamish's story | |||
And Hamish got used to his missed chance at glory | |||
He'd never a soldier or an officer be | |||
But he never got used to the odor of pee | |||
He'd clean it in bathrooms from floor to the sink | |||
But I never revealed . . . what did poor Hamish drink? | |||
So here is the moral of this dreadful tale | |||
Check all of your gaskets before you set sail | |||
And if in your world, you're aware that it's cleanish | |||
Remember the ballad of poor Hamish Beamish | |||
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==Appearances== | ==Appearances== | ||
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**[[United Nations Space Command]] | **[[United Nations Space Command]] | ||
|title-4=Locations| | |title-4=Locations| | ||
*[[Circinius IV]] | *[[Circinius system]] | ||
**[[Corbulo Academy of Military Science]] | **[[Circinius IV]] | ||
***[[Corbulo Academy of Military Science]] | |||
|title-5=Vehicles| | |title-5=Vehicles| | ||
* | *{{UNSCShip|Jamaica}} {{1st}} | ||
|title-6=Technology| | |title-6=Technology| | ||
*[[Artificial intelligence]] | *[[Artificial intelligence]] | ||
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==Sources== | ==Sources== | ||
{{Ref/Sources}} | |||
{{ | {{Fractures}} | ||
[[Category:Halo: Fractures]] | [[Category:Halo: Fractures]] |
Latest revision as of 13:14, December 9, 2023
This article contains information of dubious canonicity. While not officially established as fully non-canonical, certain aspects of the subject may not be part of the official Halo canon. |
- "Honestly in the anthology, I was just excited to contrast stories about the giddy heights of artificial intelligence, with the slimy nadir of natural intelligence [in Saint's Testimony]. I’m also more closely aligned in real-life with Hamish than I am with Iona. And with Fractures, that’s further compounded by my now regular embarrassment of being contrasted myself, with a slew of far superior authors and creators."
- — Frank O'Connor[1]
The Ballad of Hamish Beamish is a poem included in Halo: Fractures: Extraordinary Tales from the Halo Canon. Written by Frank O'Connor, the Ballad is a tongue-in-cheek piece detailing the life of Hamish Beamish, a Corbulo Academy janitor whom O'Connor originally portrayed in a cameo appearance in Halo 4: Forward Unto Dawn. The story includes art by Garrett Post,[1] whose artwork was previously featured in the Headhunters short story in the re-release of Halo: Evolutions.
The Ballad[edit]
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