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| | {{Era|RW}} |
| {{Title|''The Ballad of Hamish Beamish''}} | | {{Title|''The Ballad of Hamish Beamish''}} |
| {{Status|Apocrypha}}
| | '''''The Ballad of Hamish Beamish''''' is one of several short stories in ''[[Halo: Fractures|Halo: Fractures: Extraordinary Tales from the Halo Canon]]''. It was written by [[Frank O'Connor]].<ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAK4sAUnk6I '''Hao Canon's Youtube''': ''343 Industries Studio Tour - PAX West 2016'']</ref> |
| {{Semi-canon}}
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| {{Quote|Honestly in the anthology, I was just excited to contrast stories about the giddy heights of [[artificial intelligence]], with the slimy nadir of natural intelligence [in [[Saint's Testimony]]]. I’m also more closely aligned in real-life with Hamish than I am with [[Iona]]. And with Fractures, that’s further compounded by my now regular embarrassment of being contrasted myself, with a slew of far superior authors and creators.|Frank O'Connor{{Ref/Reuse|bbb}}}}
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| [[File:UNSC_Janitorial_Corps_by_TDSpiral.png|thumb|200px|Accompanying illustration by Garrett Post]]
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| '''''The Ballad of Hamish Beamish''''' is a poem included in ''[[Halo: Fractures|Halo: Fractures: Extraordinary Tales from the Halo Canon]]''. Written by [[Frank O'Connor]], the ''Ballad'' is a tongue-in-cheek piece detailing the life of [[Hamish Beamish]], a [[Corbulo Academy of Military Science|Corbulo Academy]] janitor whom O'Connor originally portrayed in a cameo appearance in ''[[Halo 4: Forward Unto Dawn]]''. The story includes art by {{Plain|[https://www.artstation.com/artist/garrettpost Garrett Post]}},<ref name="bbb">[https://www.halowaypoint.com/en-us/news/books-browsers-and-big-team '''Halo Waypoint''' - '' Books, Browsers, and Big Team'']</ref> whose artwork was previously featured in the ''[[Headhunters (short story)|Headhunters]]'' short story in the re-release of ''[[Halo: Evolutions]]''. | |
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| ==The Ballad== | |
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| <i>
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| {{Article quote|
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| A long time ago on a military ship
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| A boy signed on to a perilous trip
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| A would-be cadet
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| With a penchant for danger
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| He signed on for thrills
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| In a cryosleep manger
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| Corbulo's the name
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| Of his life's destination
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| A military school
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| With a fine reputation
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| An officer's life
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| Was the life he had chosen
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| As he and his chums were cryonically frozen
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| And off into slipspace the young people headed
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| But a problem arose that starfarers have dreaded
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| The long sleep of storage
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| Was to be interrupted
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| By a technical flaw
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| And some code that corrupted
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| As the good ship Jamaica flew on through night
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| The seal on his chamber grew a bit less than tight
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| The cryopod opened a decade too soon
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| And Hamish thawed out 'neath an alien moon
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| Alone and afraid in the space between spaces
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| He gazed with fear at his companions' faces
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| He wiped frost from their visors
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| But onward they slept
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| Safe and preserved while poor Hamish just wept
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| When he got it together, he resolved to survive
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| Alone on a starship, now surely he'd thrive
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| All he'd need is some heat and a good source of food
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| But on waking the AI, the news wasn't good
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| “Apologies, Beamish, but this ship is unmanned
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| “You and the others are effectively canned
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| “We ship you like cargo to some distant star
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| “But this uncrewed transporter has no buffet bar
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| “Nor heating for humans, but there's plenty of air
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| “So if you wrap up in blankets, you might still make it there
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| “Your sleep chamber's ruined
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| “And the backup is rusted
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| “So if you get to Corbulo
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| “You'll be all old and busted
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| “It's been called a flat circle
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| “And a relative hitch
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| “But the fact of the matter's
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| “Time is gravity's bitch
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| “So you have my condolence
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| “And I'll help if I can
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| “But I suggest that indolence
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| “Is the best kind of plan.”
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| So the darkness and cold would make anyone spooked
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| And young Master Hamish knew that his goose was cooked
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| He examined his options
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| And set in for the flight
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| He'd be cold and hungry for this long, lonely night
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| {{col-2}}
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| So he needed some fuel for a possible fire
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| And protein to eat lest his body expire
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| He looked high and low
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| And through every dark passage
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| But all he could find was an Oberto sausage
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| Two hundred years old
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| Discarded, incredible
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| But because it was jerky
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| It was still kind of edible
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| As he chewed the last meat
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| That he might ever enjoy
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| He thought about girls and he thought about boys
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| Though frozen intact, nails and hair would still grow
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| And the seeds of his madness had started to show
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| He would shave them and clip them
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| With tender composure
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| And burn hair and eat nails lest he die of exposure
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| The smell, it was dreadful
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| And the sight even worse
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| But better this madness
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| Than a flight in a hearse
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| And so ten long years passed
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| And Corbulo drew near
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| And Hamish's madness
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| Replaced all his fear
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| He got used to the routine
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| As we are wont to do
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| But he dreamed of poutine
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| And he played his kazoo
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| Oh, I didn't explain that he kept that toy whistle?
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| Or that he wore a tattoo of a plain Scottish thistle?
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| His buzzing lament did not keep him sane
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| In fact, you could argue it addled his brain
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| So when the ship at last reached the Corbulo banner
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| He was thirty years old and as mad as a spanner
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| The medics tried hard to habilitate Hamish
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| His exploits aboard were disturbing but famous
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| They found him a job doing what he does best
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| Which is making the most of a terrible mess
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| So they put him in whites and they gave him a broom
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| And set him about cleaning room after room
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| The other cadets soon forgot Hamish's story
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| And Hamish got used to his missed chance at glory
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| He'd never a soldier or an officer be
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| But he never got used to the odor of pee
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| He'd clean it in bathrooms from floor to the sink
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| But I never revealed . . . what did poor Hamish drink?
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| So here is the moral of this dreadful tale
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| Check all of your gaskets before you set sail
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| And if in your world, you're aware that it's cleanish
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| Remember the ballad of poor Hamish Beamish
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| }}
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| </i> | |
| {{col-end}}
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| ==Appearances== | | ==Appearances== |
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| **[[United Nations Space Command]] | | **[[United Nations Space Command]] |
| |title-4=Locations| | | |title-4=Locations| |
| *[[Circinius system]]
| | *[[Circinius IV]] |
| **[[Circinius IV]]
| | **[[Corbulo Academy of Military Science]] |
| ***[[Corbulo Academy of Military Science]]
| | |title-5=Technology| |
| |title-5=Vehicles| | |
| *{{UNSCShip|Jamaica}} {{1st}}
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| |title-6=Technology|
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| *[[Artificial intelligence]] | | *[[Artificial intelligence]] |
| *[[Cryo chamber]] | | *[[Cryo chamber]] |
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| ==Sources== | | ==Sources== |
| {{Ref/Sources}}
| | <references/> |
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| {{Fractures}} | | {{Literature}} |
| [[Category:Halo: Fractures]] | | [[Category:Halo: Fractures]] |